Dead Cat Bounce

20 years ago exactly to this day was the last time I got arrested. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was dating my first wife and had got in the old 1970 3/4 Ton truck to head to put in some job applications to Lay pipe. I was a pipe layer for 10 years. Putting in mainline water, sewer and storm. Pushing 400lb 10 inch ductle iron main line water pipe with a 50lb digging bar, snapping bolts on hydrants.  I used two drink to gallons of water and only pee once. I eat whole dozen doughnuts before work and had 6 pack of abs.

Anyway, as I leaving the house in the truck the Elderly neighbors lady’s cat ran out in front of me and I tried to avoid and but I ran it over anyway.  So I stopped thought shit! Back up the truck and sure as shit it was laying flat as a pancake. I damn it Shelia! Ester is gonna be really heart broken!

Ester was the elderly lady who lived alone 2 doors down and she had that cat Shelia for 10 years. So swooped it up and I put it in the truck bed, drove over parked in her drive way.

I went up to her door and took a deep breath and rang the door bell.  Ester opened the door was wearing her glasses didnt recognize me but knew my voice. I said I’m really sorry mam, I ran over Shelia with my truck. I got her in the back. I’m sure she is dead. I got hundred bucks on me, you can have that for your loss and I will dig a hole for ya and bury her for ya.

She snatched that hundred bucks out of my hand and screamed at me! I’m a little old lady and you killed the last thing I loved! I said I’m so so sorry Mam. I didnt mean hit. I tried my best to not run her over.

Ester said, well I’m calling the cops! I said ok, I got insurance on the truck. I dont know if it covers critters tho. I just gave ya a hundred dollars. I’m so so so sorry. I tried not to hit her.

The cops showed up and apparently my license was suspended and they were gonna take me to jail. So I called my ex wife and told her. I ran over Esters cat, I gave her hundred bucks. My ex wife said awweee she loved that cat so much! I said ya i feel terrible. She called the cops and apparently my license is suspended and they are taking me to jail for driving on a suspended license. You are gonna have to bail me out. My ex wife says Oh shit! Your license is suspended! I said yep! She said they are taking you to jail!!!  I said yes Mam! Your gonna have to bail me out. She ok ok ok. It will take a couple hours but I will bail ya out.

I said Ester wants to know if you will bail her out too! She what?!!! I said ya she is getting arrested too! My ex wife says oh my gawddddd! Why are they arresting Ester???  I said for Prostitution! My ex wife screamed in phone. PROSTITUTION! ESTER??? WHAT?

I said ya ya! They taking her to jail for selling dead pussy!

There was a long pause on the phone and I said,  honey are you there? She said, ohhhhh you are a terrible man! I’m gonna kick your ass when I get home from work.

I said, April Fools! She said quit messing around and get a damn job!

Infinitely NOW!

Just Andy

Cue: ~White Roundhouse ~

Tyler Childers.

A really good song.

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